“How do I weave spiralizer and paddleboard into my passage?”
I clumsily recounted scenarios. Early slurs he threw at me when I showed any interest in sex. The way I would be laughed at. The way that he dismissed his behaviour as joking if I got upset. How he would withhold sex from me but flirt outrageously with other women, then accuse me of jealousy. The period he showed sexual interest, by which point I was so down on myself I felt nauseous at the thought of it.
While I talked to her, I floated up outside of my body. I saw the shape of her eyes widen as my descriptions continued. She softened and gently told me what I had recounted is sexually abusive behaviour. I was winded, gasping for ways to process this information. His behaviour wasn’t violent or forceful, but it was manipulative, and it wore me down over time., Bessel Van Der Kolk says: “Trauma compromises the brain area that communicates the physical, embodied feeling of being alive.
. I told her I was already in therapy. Then she asked me to think about why I’d want to pursue sexual relationships if they were painful. No sex or painful sex – were those my only two options? It was a lot to take in in a 15-minute session. I told my GP I would explore what we’d talked about in therapy, but I didn’t want to stop medical investigations either. In my therapy sessions, we spoke about my relationship to sex, how I’d entirely shut down my romantic life for nearly five years. When I did start dating again, I gravitated to what I had known before, which only caused me more discomfort.
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