'They are both longing for a partner and a family, and as we all get farther into our 30s, this is becoming increasingly problematic'
Please bear with me as I try to give some context for what is going to sound very unpleasant. I am a reasonably attractive woman in her early 30s. I have a long-term, doting partner and we are extremely happy in our relationship. I am part of a female friendship group that would typically be considered very attractive, slim, and fit. Most of us have long-term partners and when we go out, most of us are never short of propositions from male suitors.
I have done my best to listen and be empathetic, I encourage them to find hobbies and ways to meet men outside of our social circle, but they are both at a point now where I would say that they are suffering from some level of depression.
As a therapist, I couldn’t make this woman into a supermodel. But I could show her that her belief that her appearance was her problem was the problem — not her actual appearance. Which brings me to back to you, DTH, and your question about how you can help your two friends. You may not realize how damaging your “I feel so sorry for them” attitude is. While I have no doubt that you care about your friends, there’s a difference between compassion and pity, and if you pity them, even privately, you send them a message that’s not just damaging but untrue.
There are plenty of attractive and loving men available to your two friends. These women may “not get past a second date” for reasons that have less to do with their appearance than the beliefs, attitudes, and behaviors they’re bringing to those dates. Few young women are so unattractive that they can’t get a second date based on their appearance alone.
I want to suggest, DTH, that you question your assumptions about men and women and attraction and worth, not just for your two friends’ sakes, but also for yours. Eventually, you too will lose your power to draw male eyeballs in the way you do now. One day you’ll be sipping drinks at a table next to some very attractive 25-year-olds, or walking down the street with your teenage daughter and her friends, and find that the propositions from male suitors are directed elsewhere.
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