Emotional availability in a relationship can fluctuate with the mental load of life.
. And that makes sense: For example, if the relationships you had with caregivers in your childhood were inconsistent, or your needs were often ignored, chances are, you’ll feel as though you can’t really rely on the people with whom you form relationships later in life . Thecan make being emotionally available a real challenge.
But sometimes, a person who does not inherently have an insecure attachment style can become emotionally unavailable after going through a difficult or traumatic experience, says psychotherapist. Take the loss of a loved one or a job, or becoming very physically sick, for example. “These circumstances can push them into ‘fight, flight, or freeze’ mode emotionally, as a form of self-protection,” she says.
That said, it’s also unhelpful to simply retreat emotionally, too. Instead, Dr. Nerenberg suggests gently alerting your partner to the change you’ve noticed. “It is important to bring up the topic in a non-threatening way so that your partner does not get defensive or feel attacked,” she says. You might also consider addressing the circumstance that you suspect triggered the switch in their emotional availability so that you’re showing your understanding from the jump, she adds.
If they begin to share their feelings or offer insight into why they’ve been closed off, it’s important to “meet them with acceptance and understanding instead of anger and frustration,” says Dr. Kederian. “Consider how you can be supportive during this time rather than focusing on why you can’t get your needs met by them at this moment.”
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