Here is my colonoscopy story. Sit down, grab a coffee and enjoy yourself.
For six years, since my mom’s diagnosis, my doctor has told me that my mom was old enough when she was diagnosed that it wouldn’t be considered hereditary, so there was no need for early screening for me. But you’d be surprised how adamant a middle-aged woman with a healthy case of generalized anxiety disorder can be. At my physical this year, my doctor finally looked at me and said, “Fuck OKAY already. You can have a colonoscopy if you promise to shut the hell up about it.”So I scheduled it.
I get it down and then basically pooped uncontrollably for the foreseeable future. Not only that, but I sort of felt like crap too. So I empty out my bowels completely and go to bed early because despite feeling like I have food poisoning, I’m starving. Because, you know, I’m me. They wheel me into the small operating room and the anesthesiologist explains that I’m not under general anesthesia, but she would be giving me propofol. I’m not afraid — I just ask her to watch my breathing carefully which now cracks me up: The hypochondriac reminding the doctor to do her job. She tells me it works super-fast and wears off super-fast and, in my mind, it’ll feel instantaneous from the moment she starts it to the moment I wake up.
They tell me that my mom is here to get me, which doesn’t seem right since I’m trying to comprehend what I was just told and I’m still super busy eating animal crackers. And I’m really supposed to stand up right now? That doesn’t feel safe. So I don’t. I just keep eating. He calls me back, and here’s the deal. Colon polyps are super common, usually small, and can easily be removed during a colonoscopy. They can turn into cancer so that’s why you have colonoscopies — to remove them before that happens. Small polyps are less than 5mm and larger ones are 5-10mm. Mine was fucking 25mm. Did you hear that? 25mm. I mean…that’s basically a dead mouse in my colon. I don’t even know how poop was getting through, to be honest.
He also tacked on this small detail — because my polyp was “huge” and difficult to remove, I was under sedation for too long and they had to cut the rest of the procedure short, so he DIDN’T EVEN FINISH checking out the rest of my colon. Good lord.
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