In this week’s ‘Esther Calling,’ Esther Perel speaks to a caller who keeps trying to please and date people who tear her down.
She’s also a leading expert on contemporary relationships. Every other week on the show, Perel plays a voice-mail from a listener who has reached out with a specific problem, then returns their call to offer advice. This column is adapted from the podcast — which is now part of the Vox Media Podcast Network — and you can listen and follow for free onI would like to talk about how to break the cycle of coming back to the man that hurt me and keeps hurting me again and again.
Esther: But in the house, it was more, “Since you’re not a problem, we don’t have to pay attention.” In your relationship, you are the problem. The only answer that I got from my mom whenever I asked those questions was, “I have four kids. I have nowhere to go. Nobody’s gonna take in a single mother with four kids. How am I going to take care of you?” But I’m not in that exact situation, right? I’m still single. I don’t have kids. It should be easy for me to stand up for myself.
Esther: Of course not. You know, you’re pumping yourself empty while you’re pumping somebody else up for whom this will not be enough.Esther: But sometimes, when a child sees one parent trying to pacify the other, trying to be appreciated by the other, trying to cook the best meals for the other, trying, trying, trying, trying, and not succeeding … there is something for some children that says, “I’ll do better. I will succeed where Mom did not.
I don’t have to re-create it. I don’t have to mirror the dynamic I grew up in, and the shitshow I grew up in, in order to then know that I’m finally able to do better. Of course, it feels more intense that way. If I’m in it and I manage to turn him around, to make him see me and finally appreciate me, then I’ll know for a fact that I have been successful at creating a better relationship than my parents.
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