This is the advice I never want to have to give. Or rather, the advice I never want anyone to ever need.
This is the advice I never want to have to give. Or rather, it’s the advice I never want anyone to ever need. But the hardest of all truths is that sometimes the order of the world turns upside down and children die. In the years since my firstborn son Phoenix died, I’ve heard from many people wondering what they can do for a loved one or colleague who has lost a child. I began keeping this list, which has evolved with the help from other bereaved parents who have added their own suggestions.
Have no expectations of the family. They likely will not be able to respond to cards, texts, letters or phone calls. But keep showing up. Talk about the child who has died. Bring up memories of him or of the beautiful way his mom or dad parented him. Do not be afraid of reminding them of something painful because a bereaved parent never forgets, not even when they sleep.
Follow the lead of the parents. What they want and need will change - sometime hourly - but go with it. One of the kindest things someone did for me when I was out of my mind with grief and too overwhelmed to figure out how to even put together an outfit was to come over and arrange my clothes into outfits, including socks, that I could just pull out of the closet. Look for things like that.
They will need you more in two months. By then people usually have gone back to normal and will have stopped checking in. Show up.
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