Ask Sahaj: How can I get my husband and son to fix their relationship?
My husband of 30 years and I have four grown children. Our youngest, who is in his mid-20s now, has distanced himself from his dad over the past couple of years — exacerbated by the pandemic, as we live in different states. There was no single event or argument; my son and husband were very close throughout our son’s high school years, but as our son matured, he began to view my husband more critically.
I feel caught in between and am heartbroken over the rift . They are able to be pleasant when they are around each other, but it feels stiff and lacking in any true closeness. What do you advise?Being in the middle of a conflict between two people you love is certainly a difficult position. I hear grief for a lack of cohesion within your family that you wish existed, but I also sense that you feel a responsibility to fix it.
But when people don’t feel “seen” or “heard,” it can indicate that they don’t feel particularly safe being honest or authentic within a relationship. Your husband may feel as though being direct or honest about your son’s diminished performance is to help and support him, but your son might actually be experiencing it as criticism of his personhood. And I wonder if the parallel is that your husband feels criticized by his son.
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