Satire by Alexandra Petri: Millions of Americans hoping next child will be born a bank
“When you have a kid, you worry,” expectant father Gregory explained. “You want them to have the best life you can give them, and you hope that if something goes wrong, there will be a net to catch them. Obviously they should feel free to take risks! You don’t want to clip their wings. But it would be nice to know that someone is there looking out for them. Someone who will say, ‘Hey, you shouldn’t have taken those risks, but it’s okay. I’ve got you.
“What would you prefer,” one prospective mother asks. “Lots and lots of restrictions on what you can do, and very severe, possibly deadly consequences, or — very minimal restrictions and very minimal consequences? Me, I would prefer that second thing.” Another father-to-be noted, “If my son is just a human boy and he suddenly finds himself owing a lot of money to a lot of people, Jerome Powell will not leap into action. Whereas banks that run out of money, they’re sometimes subjected to a little gentle restraint but often even that is made to go away if they ask nicely.”His wife, Martha, noted that sometimes banks were also coffee shops and that would be a nice feature.
The parents agreed that the final step, where the FDIC took over the bank and dismantled it, was not optimal. “But everything up to that point!” Kent exclaimed. “The swift response. The soothing words from the president of the United States himself. Everyone gathered around concerned about your health and its implications for all the people who count on you. I just want that for a human.”
“We’re deciding between bank and corporation,” expectant mothers Madison and Amy said. “Bank has a lot going for it, but corporations get to do a lot more things.”
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