My children now knew that the people they love most in the world could die.
I thought I’d said all the hard words. I thought that explaining cancer and telling my two children, just six and eight at the time, that their father had cancer in his brain would be the hardest thing I’d ever have to say. But I was wrong. There were harder words that would need to be spoken, words that couldn’t be couched in hope and faith.Not: “Daddy is going to stay at the hospital so the doctors can watch him and give him medicine.
I was the one to hear his last breath, the one to take the first breath in a world that had lost him, and the person who now had to spread the news to all those family and friends. Still recovering from the shock of the way the room had fallen silent when two heartbeats faded to one, it was up to me to tell his parents and sisters, his friends…and his children, who’d left not knowing that they would not be back to visit tomorrow, that, by the morning, they’d be fatherless.
My daughter woke first the next morning and stumbled into my room the way she always did: rubbing her eyes and scanning the quiet morning light to ensure she hadn’t missed anything while she slept. She climbed into bed, now used to the empty space beside me where her father had slept before the extended hospital stay that led to the hospice facility. She took up the remote control and turned the television on. The words I needed to say to her lodged in my throat.
When my son woke up, he crawled into bed like his sister, sleepy and calm and secure in the knowledge that today would look like yesterday, maybe even that today would be better than yesterday because we had previously made plans to complete a special family project with an art therapist who was coming to Matt’s hospice room that afternoon. The best laid plans…
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