'But during our conversation, it was unclear what she feared more, the virus or me being outed as Chinese in the time of coronavirus.'
I have never been more aware of my appearance than in the last few weeks. Like many women working from home in America, during these hard times, I’ve taken comfort in soft pants with elastic waists. Makeup is a thing of the past. The amount of cookie crumbs I find on my shirt or the messiness of my top-knot directly correlates to the amount of anxiety I feel at any given moment. In these respects, when you look in the mirror, we probably look alike. But, then, some of us do differ.
“You can’t be too careful these days,” she said. “Cover up. I don’t even clear my throat in public. I don’t want to give anyone the wrong idea.” Until this virus came along. Viruses are tricky things, my doctor mom told me. They mutate and change over time. They affect individuals differently. They have a life cycle. In the early stages of an outbreak, when the RNA/DNA sequence that makes up a virus is first unleashed, hungry and primed to spread, it grows and grows. Panic is its own virus. The pathway is the same.
“And have people think I’m sick and possibly infecting them? No way. I don’t want that. Who knows what people will do these days.” In light of my sister’s remark, I reconsidered my own actions. If I hadn’t been Asian, would I have felt the need to explain? None of the other customers justified their purchases. Had I already begun to kowtow to an energy shift in the atmosphere? Or was I being paranoid? I now had a hyper-awareness mixed with self-doubt on top of everything else—a person of color’s double burden.
Let me be clear: I’m scared. I know now that to say this aloud is a hard-won privilege, too, one that my parents didn't have. I’m afraid for my family. I’m afraid for anyone who looks like me. I’m afraid for the strong and the vulnerable alike. The Chang family insurance policy of excellence isn’t going to protect us.
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