EUGENE, OR—Though he has only the haziest memories of what happened between the time he left work Friday evening and woke up late Sunday afternoon, marketing associate Ben Taylor told reporters today that during his 36-hour drinking binge, he somehow managed to sort out his entire financial situation.
"The last thing I remember is getting a second tray of two-for-one mug-a-ritas with the guys from work," Taylor told reporters. "Next thing I know, I'm coming to on my couch, I'm nauseous, my head's pounding, and I'm fully vested in a Roth IRA that's completely deductible and contains a diverse spread of steady dividend-paying stocks with an impressive tax-to-growth ratio.
Assessing his situation, Taylor quickly discovered that his car and mobile phone were missing, and that his pockets were full of beer caps, crumpled napkins, and $465 in itemized drink receipts with an attached note from an accountant explaining the full amount could be written off as entertainment expenses.
A fatigued and dehydrated Taylor said he cheered up after a return call from police confirmed the location of his Lexus, which he had traded back to the dealer for a more economical and fuel-efficient Toyota. And while the 38-year-old admitted he was disappointed to discover he had vomited repeatedly in his kitchen sink, burning out the garbage disposal in the process, he added that the damage was covered by the renter's insurance he evidently took out Saturday morning.
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