“Isn’t college supposed to be the easiest time to make friends? What does this mean for me going forward, when making friends in the real world is supposed to be even harder?”
I ended up taking an extra year of college and will be done with classes in three days. This comes as a huge relief, and I am happy. Nevertheless, I envisioned my college graduation as one experienced with my closest friends and filled with pride. Yet I am no longer close with any of my friends from my year . I don’t even plan on walking this year. I know that’s sad, but I’m filled with too much shame knowing I would be walking alone and with a class I have no connection with.
It’s easy to do college wrong, in other words. It gets easier to make friends when you’re not confused. You’re less confused now than you were when you started college. Focus on that. Focus on what you’ve learned. Then I imagined every single thing on my calendar for the next two weeks and I told myself a story about how I’d bungle all of it, not in a small way, but in a big, irreversible way.
That’s what I need, too. I need to see that when I’m in the shack, every part feels like the hard part. I need to let myself be where I am. I wanted to write something funny this morning to pull me off the dirt floor. Instead, I’m going to stop right here and drop to my knees and feel this. It’s okay to feel outmatched by your own life. It’s okay to feel humbled in the face of a big challenge.
I went to my stepson’s graduation last week. It was a long drive and I had other shit to do. He said he didn’t care if we went or not. It was in a gigantic auditorium, and at times it felt like it didn’t exactly matter if we were there or not. The commencement speaker was hilariously shitty. She talked about how important it is to return other people’s emails, and that was the only unique statement in her entire speech.
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