“I’m desperate to get to a place in my life where I can be interested in people who are available to me, where I’m not positioning myself as an alternative to what they already have”
When I was in high school, I drunkenly made out with my friend’s prom date. Around that same time, I was the subject of constant scrutiny from one of my other best friends, who thought I was interested in her boyfriend and/or perceived me as a threat to her relationship. I would have denied it at the time, but her instincts were right; nothing ever happened between us, but it came close, and after that incident, I was careful not to see him one-on-one, especially if I had been drinking.
That I have this problem is no surprise to me, given my family dynamic. I’m certain the cause is rooted in my unbearably cliché “daddy issues” that stem from my dad’s overall physical and emotional absence for much of my life.
No wonder you’re so angry, at yourself and everyone else. You don’t just want your dad’s love. You want to teach your mom a lesson. You want to teach your friends a lesson. You’re on a vengeful crusade, and you don’t even know it. How do you think your best friend from college felt when you ran away with her crush? What message did she receive? Even when it’s looking hopeful, when he seems interested, when love is about to bloom and everything is about to turn magical and special and amazing, YOU DON’T STAND A CHANCE.
Do you feel anything when you read those messages? Or are you thinking about how “unbearably cliché” they are? There’s a particular type of woman who writes to me and calls her “daddy issues” pathetic. I was that type. I loved to be the first to roll my eyes at myself so no one else could beat me to the punch.
My mom did her best. But something was wrong in my house. Everyone was ruled by shame, so no one talked about difficult, uncomfortable emotions. We were all left to ingest and metabolize these sharp, scary things by ourselves, in our rooms, alone. If you cried, if you got angry, if you tried to identify what was scary, what felt unfair, what felt wrong, then the problem was you. Experiencing “negative” emotions like sadness or anger didn’t just make you a threat, it made you invisible.
Fucked up stuff happens when you’re not genuinely connecting with people but they’re in your life anyway. Bad things happen when you suspect that other people are cruel and selfish and you believe that you don’t really matter to them at all. People tend to do weird, untrustworthy things when you already distrust them. People act unlovable when you treat them as if they’re incapable of love.So.
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