Finally, we get what we needed on BachelorInParadise: two rock solid hours of JOHN PAUL JONES madness
Bachelor in Paradise Week Four Part One Season 6 Episode 7 Editor’s Rating 4 stars ***** «Previous Next» Photo: John Fleenor/ABC Who would have thought that the romantic hero we all needed was blond, baffling, and bilious? Who knew the man we were all looking for was someone who would laugh at his own jokes like Ray Liotta in Goodfellas while talking like Ralph Lauren Spicoli.
Let’s get to it. It’s a NEW DAY in Paradise and everyone has decided to bury Derek in order to hide his sadness and let him be born anew with a marg in his hand. Wait — hold on … before we go any further, I have a theory about the recent seasons of The Bachelor Cinematic Universe that I think explains what is throwing everything off.
So how does this manifest? Tayshia has just decided that she’s ready to settle down with a Serious Man, so she’s no longer interested in an untroubled boy like JOHN PAUL JONES. It’s this odd combination of “He’s Older So He’s a Man” and “I Need a HUSBAND” that leads to Tayshia unleashing the Chaotic Wholesome that is JOHN PAUL JONES into the world. She tells him that he should take advantage of everything Paradise has to offer. And Paradise has to offer Tahzjuan.
Back at the resort, all the women from Colton’s season say he was the worst kiss of their life. You can’t be a virgin who also can’t kiss. That’s worse than being a virgin who can’t drive. At this point Tahzjuan is undergoing a full meltdown. She says she’s so over this shit and forces her body to shut down out of frustration and pettiness. While she’s being attended to by the “doctor,” she asks for “guacamole and TOR-TIYYA chips.” At one point, Tahzjuan takes a sip of her drink and lets the entire thing dribble out of her mouth. She stands and screams into the ocean. She’s eating spaghetti in the pool alone while crying, which is what the kids call “a mood.
JPJ pulls Demi aside to hang out with her and Kristian is upset to see Demi maybe flirting with someone. She says, “This is not what I signed up for.” How funny. I also never signed up for her to be doing any of this. She also makes the really great point that there’s no one there for Kristian to be tempted by. So they’re just not even pretending to be part of the show anymore. We’re just watching two people go on a couple’s trip.
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