'In the eye of a pandemic, when there’s never been a worse time to leave home, let alone to need medical care, a dangerous thought has been burrowing in my brain.'
Three years ago, I had a miscarriage. It happened while I was on a family vacation in California, causing my husband and me to trade wine tours and beach days for blood draws and ultrasounds. Then, two years ago, my textbook pregnancy took a high-risk turn, requiring months of bedrest, weekly scans and a long stay in the hospital. So if anyone knows the importance of being able to roll into an emergency room in the middle of a pregnancy crisis, it’s me.
Good reasons abound to not try to get pregnant at this time, and I force myself to write them down, as if the act of committing them to paper could exert the same force as goal-setting or a daily to-do list. To record it is to make it real. Imagine, I go on, adding another stressor to our already perilous days, much of which my stay-at-home-husband spends shooing my son away from the bedroom door behind which I now work.
I write each reason down dutifully, but they’re like invisible ink: wiped out, in an instant, by the compulsion to throw caution to the wind. I cast my journal aside and sidle up to my husband in the kitchen. “Should we just go for it?” I ask him.large. As the lucky among us retreat to our homes and watch the structure of our days dissolve, there’s nothing but time.to conference calls on mute while we talk about trying to have a kid.
Or if it didn’t go that way, if this could-be pregnancy ended in another miscarriage, at least I could grieve privately this time. Unlike when I miscarried in full view of my 20-something brothers. Unlike when I stood up from a conference room table at work while pregnant and noticed I’d left a spot of blood behind on a chair.
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