'Why am I, and so many of my smart, beautiful, successful friends, struggling to meet decent men?'
I like myself, but I hate being single. So much of what I read is that when we hate being single, we hate being alone with ourselves. I find this to be untrue. As a diehard introvert, there are few things I cherish more than my precious alone time. I’m no stranger to solitude. I run alone. I read alone. I paint alone. I like to sit and relax and think about my life alone. At no point is there a running dialogue of “I wish I were more like this …” or “I hate this about me …” None of that.
Naturally, I was unable to date for the first few months post-breakup. I could barely eat and get through the day. And then out of the blue, I met a man that I developed an intense crush on, and I met him IRL. How wonderful it was! Things developed quickly, and it felt really great to have that surge of happiness in my life again. But then the red flags showed up.
I feel stuck. I’m almost 33, and I’m craving a monogamous, stable relationship so bad I can taste it. But after dipping my toe into the online dating world, and then suffering through a series of really awful dates, I’m starting to panic. I was baffled by the men who seemed so normal but talked only about themselves on dates, clearly only interested in hooking up even though their profiles suggest otherwise.
“I totally have low-key locker envy!” it said above a locker that featured a $5 locker chandelier and $5 locker plush rug, which was a tiny shag rug that, in the photograph, was sticking out of the locker at a bad angle. That struck me as the perfect metaphor for how impractical it is to try to be cool in middle school.
Because if you really believe in love, then fucking BELIEVE IN LOVE full stop. Don’t say “I believe in love but I’m afraid it won’t find me!” Don’t repeat “WHY DO I HAVE TO GO THROUGH THIS?” until your torture becomes a religion. That is not believing in love. Don’t say “I believed in love and then this worthless biology-fearing BOGO robbed me of that belief!” Belief that can be stolen from you IS NOT REAL BELIEF. When you love your body, body-shaming from others is nothing but hilarious.
If you want to find love, you can’t try to seem cooler than you really are. Love doesn’t honor that kind of marketing effort. It’s OKAY to talk about how absurdly bad your dating experiences have been lately. THIS IS REALITY. There are good men, good women, good people in the world. True love is always possible. But you have to believe in it. When you believe, truly believe, you won’t be overcome by loneliness and longing.
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