Advice | Carolyn Hax: When I try to express my concerns about my brother's angry outbursts to my mom, she gets even more upset with me. I want to have good relationships with my family members, but I don’t want to be around someone who treats me this way.
He used to have angry outbursts toward my mom, but in the past few years, he has mostly directed them at me. And now my mom blames me for his behavior. She told me more than once recently that she tried to “keep the peace” when we were young for my sake — I do remember asking them to stop fighting once — but it kept her from addressing the issue. Now when he is angry with me, she says it’s because I triggered him, and we need to find a “middle ground” in the situation.
It is also okay — recommended — that you not hold your breath till these things come to pass, because, by your description, neither of them is close to being able to look inward and own their stuff.It is a worthy goal to have “good relationships with my family members,” yes. But “good” is something you can’t make happen alone. If they won’t behave, they won’t behave. The only thing you can cultivate on your own is good emotional health.
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